I'm going to call today an improvement. The beginning of the day most definitely was NOT. I started the day with anxiety. It's not usually really bad during the day, so I was surprised and not in a good way.
I ended up calling my dad mid-morning and asking if he'd come by after he got off work. God bless my dad. He had actually planned to leave a little early anyway, so he came and played with Robbie for 3 hours until David got home. I sat in the recliner like a zombie, moving only to feed Charlotte.
The anxiety actually began to lift around noon, but I was left exhausted and numb. Maybe it was the drugs, maybe it was recovery from being so tense, maybe it was just plain old mom-of-a-3-week-old tiredness. I don't know.
I had already called my doctor's office about the side effects. I was pretty sure there wasn't much they could do, but I figured I'd give it a shot. I'm to the point where I'm embarrassed when they answer the phone now. It's me again. They've been nothing but kind, of course. I'm not really a fan of being so needy and I feel like I'm sucking the love and attention out of everyone around me. But it's all I can do right now.
I was right, there's not much they can do. Because I'm nursing, there are limited options. She assured me the side effects should fade in the first week. All I could do was thank her, hang up, and hope she was right. And wonder how I'd survive like this for a week.
I took my 2nd dose of lexapro this evening and waiting for it to hit me. No flash of heat overtook me, no instant tingling or panic set in right away. My body seems to be adjusting quickly, so maybe she's right about the week.
This evening, the anxiety creeped back in around 7:30. My hands started shaking again, my stomach churning, even dry heaving at one point. (One bonus of having no appetite- nothing to puke!) It wasn't *quite* as intense as it gets sometimes. I worked through some breathing exercises that haven't been working at all, but I was able to lower the intensity a little more. At this point, I'll call that a win.
Around 9:30, I felt it start to lift a little. I was surprised because it usually lasts at least 4 hours, sometimes as many as 6. Two felt like winning the lottery. It did start to bounce back a little, but I worked on my breathing again and was able to maintain some control of it. Around 10:00, Charlotte and I took a 45 minute nap. That was pretty major because normally when this happens, I can barely sit, I most certainly can't lay and I definitely can't sleep.
It wasn't the most restful sleep ever. I kept waking up jerking a little. But it was sleep and when I woke after 45 minutes, the anxiety was gone. I felt hope again. I thought of the kids and I smiled. David checked on me and I smiled at him. I feel like a person. The world is not caving in on me, after all.
I do hope that it continues. Maybe I'll wake up in a panic again tomorrow, but I am going to cling to this moment where I feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel. My blood pressures have been great on the lower dose of blood pressure meds, so hopefully I'll see and end to them very soon. And maybe one day I'll get through a whole day w/o wondering if today is the day I need to be checked in somewhere. (which was the focus of the crazy thoughts tonight, for the record.)
I do appreciate all the messages of support. When I'm in the darkest points of the panic, when I can barely move, all I do is sit and read the emails and comments and texts. They are what is feeding my hope right now. Thank you all so much.