Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Lexapro day 2

I'm going to call today an improvement. The beginning of the day most definitely was NOT. I started the day with anxiety. It's not usually really bad during the day, so I was surprised and not in a good way.

I ended up calling my dad mid-morning and asking if he'd come by after he got off work. God bless my dad. He had actually planned to leave a little early anyway, so he came and played with Robbie for 3 hours until David got home. I sat in the recliner like a zombie, moving only to feed Charlotte.

The anxiety actually began to lift around noon, but I was left exhausted and numb. Maybe it was the drugs, maybe it was recovery from being so tense, maybe it was just plain old mom-of-a-3-week-old tiredness. I don't know.

I had already called my doctor's office about the side effects. I was pretty sure there wasn't much they could do, but I figured I'd give it a shot. I'm to the point where I'm embarrassed when they answer the phone now. It's me again. They've been nothing but kind, of course. I'm not really a fan of being so needy and I feel like I'm sucking the love and attention out of everyone around me. But it's all I can do right now.

I was right, there's not much they can do. Because I'm nursing, there are limited options. She assured me the side effects should fade in the first week. All I could do was thank her, hang up, and hope she was right. And wonder how I'd survive like this for a week.

I took my 2nd dose of lexapro this evening and waiting for it to hit me. No flash of heat overtook me, no instant tingling or panic set in right away. My body seems to be adjusting quickly, so maybe she's right about the week.

This evening, the anxiety creeped back in around 7:30. My hands started shaking again, my stomach churning, even dry heaving at one point. (One bonus of having no appetite- nothing to puke!) It wasn't *quite* as intense as it gets sometimes. I worked through some breathing exercises that haven't been working at all, but I was able to lower the intensity a little more. At this point, I'll call that a win.

Around 9:30, I felt it start to lift a little. I was surprised because it usually lasts at least 4 hours, sometimes as many as 6. Two felt like winning the lottery. It did start to bounce back a little, but I worked on my breathing again and was able to maintain some control of it. Around 10:00, Charlotte and I took a 45 minute nap. That was pretty major because normally when this happens, I can barely sit, I most certainly can't lay and I definitely can't sleep.

It wasn't the most restful sleep ever. I kept waking up jerking a little. But it was sleep and when I woke after 45 minutes, the anxiety was gone. I felt hope again. I thought of the kids and I smiled. David checked on me and I smiled at him. I feel like a person. The world is not caving in on me, after all.

I do hope that it continues. Maybe I'll wake up in a panic again tomorrow, but I am going to cling to this moment where I feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel. My blood pressures have been great on the lower dose of blood pressure meds, so hopefully I'll see and end to them very soon. And maybe one day I'll get through a whole day w/o wondering if today is the day I need to be checked in somewhere. (which was the focus of the crazy thoughts tonight, for the record.)

I do appreciate all the messages of support. When I'm in the darkest points of the panic, when I can barely move, all I do is sit and read the emails and comments and texts. They are what is feeding my hope right now. Thank you all so much.



Becks said...

Post-Partum Depression/Anxiety really sucks :( In solidarity, here is a low-point of mine, so you feel less alone: A couple of weeks in I started crying aaaalll the time, and I am not a cryer at all, so this should have been a sign. I was in total denial though - I kept telling my husband I was FINE, until one night at around 4am the baby had been screaming for an hour (wicked, wicked reflux), and I had been crying for an hour, and finally I just put the baby down and started sobbing into my hands. And then I pounding my head against my hands, until my DH came out and took the screaming baby and sent me to bed. When I woke up the next morning, I had bruises on my forehead. That's when I realized, this is real. I need to get help. I thought, should be SO happy right now - I have this beautiful baby, we survived the preeclampsia, life is good. But I felt SO awful, and it wasn't anything I did wrong or was at fault for, it was just a chemical imbalance in my brain that was totally out of my control. I took the meds, and within 2 weeks, I felt normal again. I felt happy. I felt like myself, and I felt like I could love my baby the way I wanted to, and be the mom I wanted to be.

What is happening to you is normal - it happens to lots of people, and it's not your fault. You are SO STRONG - you made it through pre-E twice(!!), you made it through Robbie's prematurity, you made it through reflux and feeding tubes, and girl, you can beat this. Just breathe. Get through these next couple of days. Be kind to yourself, and you will make it. It really, REALLY sucks, but it will be over so soon, and until then, be kind, so kind. You will make it through!

Heidi Rega said...

I don't have a story to share, but I wanted to offer some encouragement. You are doing everything right. You recognized that you're having trouble, you have asked for help, and you are continuing to care about yourself and your family through it all. You have been dealt an inexplicably difficult hand, but you are continuing to climb over every obstacle. This will end, and you will be even stronger for it.

Bridie said...

Hoping that each day continues to get better Trish! We're all rooting for you. Hugs.

Deep Thinker said...

The hardest part about depression and anxiety is listening to that little voice inside you. It's so hard to see that what it is saying is not logical, not "how the world is." The best thing you can do is find someone to talk it over with and validate what you are feeling (or, as the case usually is, point out that your view is skewed at the moment and that everything is actually ok.) I'm so glad you have a supportive family to help you! Having someone who is accepting, even if they don't completely understand, is half the battle!


A and W mom said...

I'm so glad to hear things seem to be moving in the right direction. TONS of prayers continuing. I pray for you often throughout the day and whenever I wake up during the night. (((HUGS)))

ggop said...

Glad to know you got a bit of rest Trish. We are all with you!

kcoleman said...

I pray and hope that each day continues to get better. I know what you are going through and how scary it can be.

Two Hands said...

Becks said it so well. You have gone through so much, have fought and struggled and TRIUMPHED. This is not going to beat you either. There will come a time when all of this will be a memory. You'll be sitting one day and it will occur to you that once, a long time, you felt this way, but thank God, it's over. You are an amazing woman, Trish, strong and brave and dedicated. Sending prayers for healing and wellness.