I wish I could say if things are better or not. I truly can't tell. The side effects are still pretty awful. I shake like a leaf most of the day. The groggy feeling in my brain comes and goes.
The last two days, I think I've spent fewer hours in a panic, but the panics themselves have been even more severe.
Last night I started to have chest pain fairly bad and that sent me into a wave of panic. In all likelihood it was heartburn, but of course, my warped mind was convinced I was having a heart attack. My great-grandfather has a heart attack and died at 42. I'm 35. My blood pressure has been high for so long, maybe it's done some damage. Then I took my blood pressure- 180/106. Ouch.
It had bottomed out earlier in the day and I'd gotten light-headed. I was convinced we were going to stop my meds soon, but that was ugly. Of course, I have no way of knowing if the panic made my blood pressure high or if my blood pressure high made me panicky or if the two things were unrelated. I took my medicine a little early. It took a while, but it finally came down.
Today it ran a little high most of the day, though. I don't get it. It's been good again for a week, but here we are. Tonight it started to spike a little bit, but I tried not to take the meds. Maybe it's a rebounding effect? I don't know. I just know I'm sick of this.
I just want to feel normal again. When everything clears, everything around me seems so bright and beautiful. Sitting here tonight after my nightly panic cleared, I sat and sang to Charlotte for a while. She was wide awake and just looking at me curiously, enjoying the music. It was such a happy feeling. But by morning, I'll be shaking and groggy again. And then the panic will come and then I can't feel anything except fear. It's a horrible feeling.
I'm trying to give the meds enough time to work, to kick in and for the side effects to wane, but as the days go on, I feel like I'm stuck like this forever. I wonder if I'll ever just be able to go about my day and not think that the pain my temple is a stroke or the chest pain is a heart attack or if Robbie is eating enough or if Charlotte is getting enough interaction or if I'd really just ruined them forever. I remember the dark days of Robbie's first year and I know I came out of it. But they weren't this severe, either.
I'm really hanging on to the stories of those of you who have been through this. If you tell me there is lightness at the end, I'm going to believe that there is. I just hope I get to see it soon.