two in a row

Today was a lot like yesterday. The shaking was minimal- more like I'd had too much caffeine than like I needed to score some heroine. The anxiety was manageable. Not absent, but manageable. It started to creep in not long before my next dose of lexapro was due, which I think is actually a positive sign.

I found myself interacting with the kids more genuinely. When Charlotte was awake, I truly felt inspired by her adorableness. When Robbie asked for "Mommy to sing?" at bedtime, I happily pulled Charlotte off my boob (something that usually would annoy me) to go fulfill his sweet request. I snuggled him because I wanted to, not because I "should."


I'm sure it helped that Charlotte did give me a 4 hour stretch last night. (well, she went 4 hours between feedings, that gave me about 3.25 hours of sleep at once) Then another 2 hours. That's a lot of sleep for me lately. The nanny was also here this morning, which is always nice. We ended up piled into my room to have breakfast and watch cartoons this morning. It may not sound like the most exciting thing, but it's a nice relaxing morning.

I could tell I was doing better because I ate two real meals today. One of the symptoms of the anxiety has been an overwhelming lack of appetite. That's really out of character for me. I didn't get to be as large as I am because I don't eat. But I'm currently 32 pounds under my pre-pregnancy weight. I'm down more than 60 pounds since this time last year. I can't keep my pants up. Sounds like a good problem to have. And if I were losing in any kind of healthy way, it would be, but honestly even the thought of food has made my stomach hurt lately. So today when I found myself suddenly starving, I thought "hey! That's normal! YAY NORMAL!" Of course, I proceeded to consume a week's worth of calories today, but whatever. Maybe tomorrow's batch of boob juice will be extra fatty for my little peanut.

Speaking of which, today was her due date. She's officially zero "adjusted." She's supposed to be here now. Amazing that she's almost 5 weeks old, but is just now officially a newborn. I'm so glad she's doing well. I read something earlier about another baby born at 36 weeks who spent nearly a week in the NICU and counted my blessings again. She is amazing.

Anyway, I really hope that this trend (what, 2 days can be a trend!) of feeling mostly normal (at least functional!) continues. My blood pressures have also been decent and I think that's partly due to the controlled anxiety, as well. I'm learning a few tricks along the way to help myself, and counting on the drugs to do their job as well. And still re-reading your success stories to give me hope as well. Thank you all a thousand times for sharing your stories and offering your thoughts and prayers. Yet again, I'm humbled by everyone's honesty and support.


Trish