I woke up this morning and immediately thought "wow, I feel good."
I mean, I felt GOOD. Like me. Good. Even Charlotte was exceptionally perky this morning. I got Robbie up and he was grumpy, but it was mostly just funny, not nerve wracking.
The morning was hectic. Charlotte nursed almost non-stop this morning and of course, Robbie needed me approximately every 32 seconds, so I was a little frazzled. But it was a good, normal, expected frazzled. At one point I actually said aloud "oh good, they're both crying at the same time. Perfect." all I could do was shrug and put out one fire at a time. And then I marveled at how glad I was that I was feeling human.
The good feelings lasted all day. It was so nice to just enjoy life. I thought man, I've got this licked.
At 4:45, I took my pill. At 5:30, the world started to cave in a little. And then it let up a bit again. I did some breathing exercises, which helped a little. But by 7:30, I'd fallen back into the hole and couldn't climb out. All I wanted to do was climb into bed and pull the covers over my head. So I did just that.
Of course, when you have a 3 year old, any climbing into bed just means mommy trampoline time. How do you explain to your toddler than right now the air is making you crazy, so please standing on my head is really not the best choice right now. David ended up giving him a bath and putting him to bed alone. Charlotte and I dozed. I twitched a lot. The fact that I could sleep at all was probably progress. Two days ago I could barely sit down during an attack, so sleeping is probably indicative of a reduction in symptoms. I just wish it felt less scary.
After I woke up, I felt a little better. I fed Charlotte and thought it had passed, but waves have come and gone since then. It's now a little after 1 and all the remains is some chest pain and trembly hands.
It's impossible to know what is the "usual" panic and what is a side effect of the medicine. All I know is that when I feel like this, it feels forever. Today's glimpse at feeling normal is what I'm holding onto right now. If I could feel it today, I can feel it again. Maybe even tomorrow?