Still digging

Pretty sure most of what I felt during the day today was med side effects. Just a low level anxious feeling, mostly jittery.

Tonight, though, the "real" anxiety rolled in again. It's still coming and going.

I have prayed and breathed and concentrated on relaxing. It helps briefly and then the waves come back again. I wish I understood it.I got a few hours more sleep than average last night (three 2 hour increments) and then a nap last this afternoon. The nap wasn't very restful. It was shortly after I took my meds and it was punctuated by twitching and jerking. (That WILL end, right?) But it was still a nap.

Things are honestly good here. Charlotte is growing well. I weighed her today and she's up to 5 pound 12.5 ounces. She's thriving. Robbie seems happy and well adjusted. Between David, my dad, and our mother's helper, he's getting a lot of individual attention even though I can't usually be the one to give it to him. David's been amazing taking care of all of us. My friends have been supportive and compassionate. I have absolutely nothing to be worried about. Nothing. Life doesn't get a lot better than this.

But out of nowhere, the panic just rolls in. My stomach drops, my arms tingle, my muscles tense. That sets my brain spinning. My reading tells me it's because the brain is seeking a "reason" for the panic. It'll invent one if it can't find one. Robbie's bored, Charlotte's unhappy, David's going to get sick of it, that pain in my stomach/chest/head/whatever is something Very Serious. Tonight I found myself thinking "what if it's like this forever?" It just kept rolling in my mind. What if it's like this forever?

I know I've only been on the meds for 5 days. It takes weeks, even months for them to fully work. And there are other meds to try if it comes to that. I know that I've had some clear moments in the last few days where I felt genuinely good. I know all of that in my head, but the fear is there. I need to feel all the way better at some point. Because this sucks.

I really appreciate everyone's continued support. If you were on meds (especially Lexapro) for anxiety could you share how long it took you to stop having the waves of panic? I could use some hope that things will continue to improve. When I feel good, the hope is so strong. But when I'm in the midst of the panic (now) it feels so hopeless. For as much as I've fought hope for all the years of this blog, it's always been in there... just deeply hidden. Right now I'm having trouble digging it out.

Trish