Firstly, thank you so much to everyone who emailed, called, texted and commented. I was crying when I wrote the post because I was so beaten down and hopeless, and then I cried for hours more from the hope that you all offered. Thank you so much.
Last night, it wasn't *so* bad. It wasn't good, but it wasn't this sickening hopeless hole of despair. Tonight, I'm afraid it has been, again.
It came on slower tonight. Usually about 6:00, it hits me like a truck. My stomach drops and starts to churn, my hands start to shake, my mind starts to race. Tonight 6:00 came and it was more of a general sense of unwellness. But then about 8:30, the truck got here. My chest started to hurt, my body started to shake, my brain wouldn't stop. I flitted from heart attack to stomach cancer to being unable to make my kids happy to any more of a thousand other scary, awful things. I told himself it wasn't logical. I took deep breaths, I thought happy thoughts. I painted a fake smile on my face and tucked Robbie into bed.
Why? Why is this happening? I know you can offer science. Hormones, brain chemistry, genetics, exhaustion, PTSD, yada yada yada. But why now? Why was last night not-so-bad and tonight so terrible? Is it something I ate? Too much activity? Too little?
We were busy tonight. My dad came over and helped us decorate for Christmas. Robbie thought he'd won the lottery when he saw the tree. He put candy canes on just as proudly as anything you could see. It made me smile. A real smile, too, not a that's-sweet-but-I-can't-really-feel-it smile. When the truck didn't hit me at 6, I thought maybe the distraction had saved me a little bit. But no. Just delayed it.
Maybe it's related to my blood pressure. I dropped my pressure too much today. At one point I was moving the love seat across the room (to put the tree up in its place) and I felt really lightheaded. I took my blood pressure and it was 99/55. That's way too low for me. Oops.
So when my meds were due at 6, just a few hours later, and my BP was only then up to 120/70, I was afraid to take my full dose. So I halved it. At 8:30, when I started to feel Anxious, it was 135/85. Not great, but not awful. At 10, though, it was up to 150/90. So I took the other half. I feel like I can't win.
That brings me to another thing I worry about. (this is a little bit worry and a little bit Worry.) The labetilol has my heart rate LOW (as low as 50 bpm.) won't zoloft (or paxil) do the same thing? That is- drop my heart rate. Can the two be mixed together?
Obviously I need the blood pressure meds. But I don't know how long I can live with this anxiety either. I'm a mess. I need to be able to combine the two.
I went back and looked and after Robbie was born, I had to be on BP meds for 10 days. TEN DAYS. I was pretty much at kidney failure, sick sick sick.. and came out of it in 10 days. Charlotte is now over 3 weeks old and I'm still fighting it. I didn't get nearly as sick with her as with him, but it's clinging to me for dear life. Fucking preeclampsia.
And I know lots of people never get away from the BP meds. Maybe that will happen to me this time. I feel like I've been improving. Heck, I was at 110/70 for a solid week until the last few days. And I can't help but wonder if the Anxiety is what is driving it back up. Both tend to peak at night. So maybe some mood medication would "fix" my blood pressure, too. But if I can't safely take the two together for a little bit to find out, I'm in trouble.
So that's what I'm stressing about tonight. Along with wondering if the chest pain is a heart attack or the heart burn is stomach cancer or if the fact that Charlotte cried for 13 seconds earlier means I'm a terrible mother and won't be able to make her happy. (Yes. That's my brain on Anxiety. Logic not required.)
All I know for sure is that this SUCKS. I really hope my doctor has some hope for me tomorrow. And if any of you successfully combined blood pressure meds with mood stabilizers and nursed at the same time, I'd love to hear that.
Honestly, I'm loving hearing ALL of your success stories. They are the only thing really giving me home right not because I truly feel like I am stuck like this forever. Logically I know that's not the case, but it FEELS like a hole I'll never climb out of. Knowing that some of you have been in the hole and found your way back out (and it seems like with some ease?) is what is keeping me going right now.
If you could all pray for the preeclampsia and the anxiety to leave me be, it would be a lot to me. I'm struggling with my conversation with God right now. My faith is untouched- I know and love a gracious, loving God, but I can't seem to find the right words to pray lately. It's probably part of the depression. So maybe add that to your prayers, too. I guess I just need a lot of help lately, huh?