More bleeding

Well, the bleeding has returned with a vengeance.
Started last night with just some spotting, stopped again. Was good this morning, this afternoon, it started again. It seems to be getting heavier tonight. If it's not over now, I'm sure it's imminent.

I've had a small breakdown crying in my husband's arms and now I'm just.......numb.

He keeps saying we're ahead of the game. We weren't supposed to get pregnant at all and now we've done it twice. But that doesn't seem to calm the idea that the sac is crashing down around my baby and it's still-beating heart.

I know there aren't much in the way of nerves yet, but I can't help but wonder if it hurts. If it knows I love it. If it knows we wanted it more than anything in the world.

I've read a lot of things from different religions and different cultures regarding babies. As Americans, we don't have much of a view. Some people believe the soul isn't there until halfway to the pregnancy, some people the soul is there immediately. One of my favorites is that it's the last task of a soul... that this soul's final task was to be loved unconditionally. It didn't need to be born for that.

I thought of this theory the other day and talked to it in my mind and told it I didn't love it. I wouldn't only love it if it was born. But I think we both know that's a lie.

So.. I sit here and cry. I honestly don't know what to say. How we got here just blows my mind. We're normal people. We don't smoke. I drink maybe a drink a month, David's never had a drink in his life. We don't do drugs. Neither of us has ever had a sexually transmitted disease. We're employed (both of us now!) and have a decent enough home. We take good care of our three cats and our dog. We aren't the types to leave our baby in a hot car or ride around w/o a car seat. We're upstanding people. Just regular ones. But here we are. Infertile, and the parents of 2 dead babies.

I don't know how this happened to us. I really don't.


--Trish