Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Robbie & me

I don't have much of a Robbie update. The radiologist still hadn't read his head ultrasound as of 7pm tonight. So it'll be tomorrow. Apparently anxious parents don't get priority. I'm sure you can guess my feelings on that matter.

Overall, he had a decent enough day. His O2 needs were about the same. Pretty high except when we Kangarooed.

His weight is listed at 2lb 8oz, but I'm expecting him to lose tonight because he got a dose of Lasix today, which will likely flush a bunch of his fluid.

So far, his trach aspirate is negative. Again- that doesn't mean negative. It means negative for now. But it's a start. Keep your fingers crossed.

Dr. C stopped by to say hi. He isn't Robbie's doctor this week (he's been covering the Level II NICU) but he wanted to see how we were. I wish I could express to you how much I adore the man. I patted his leg tonight and it was all muscley. I've decided he's got that hot-older-guy thing going on. I even confessed to David tonight that I have a huge crush on the man. When I told David that Dr. C was hot, David said "For an old guy, right?"

I compared him to Sean Connery. I don't think that made anything any clearer to David, but he accepted it.

An example of how amazing Dr. C is:

The niece of a friend was a patient of Dr. C's 22 years ago. We were talking last week and when I mentioned Dr. C, she perked up and said that was her niece's doctor. She'd been a less than 2lb preemie back then.

Today, I mentioned to Dr. C that a friend's niece was his patient 22 years ago. He asked her name. I only knew her first name and very scant details. Dr. C remembered her. Said her last name and everything. 22 years later. Thousands of patients later. He still remembered.

Anyway, he was encouraging, as always. He pulled Robbie's chart and went through it.

I told him about my brain "growth." He was stunned.

Everyone is stunned, really.

After I posted this morning, my dad called. I told him what was going on. He came to take me to lunch and the hospital. (He's on vacation this week.)

When I got to the hospital 2 nurses I like a lot and my favorite respiratory therapist were talking. I told them the news. They recommended heavy drinking. Then hugged me.

I feel like my life is a really, really bad TV movie. My dad said that it sure did. The plot has certainly taken a turn towards the unbelievable.

I said maybe I should write to Extreme Home Makeover. Except we don't need a bigger house. But still. It's THAT kind of story.

I wish I knew what to say about how I feel. I feel speechless, but thoughts are racing. I've been somewhere between "it has to be nothing" and "please don't let me die" all day.

My biggest fear is leaving Robbie without a mom. Followed closely after that is leaving David without a wife.

Of course, there are lots of other things in there, too, but those are the biggies. David pretty much says I can't die and refuses to entertain the idea. He's probably the king of denial, but he has a point.

We don't know anything yet. So we wait and see.

My MRI is scheduled for Thursday at 5:45 pm. I'm not even going to get into how many phone calls it took me to get that scheduled, but suffice is to say that the scheduling department at the hospital can eat a dick. But it's finally scheduled.

Now we just wait until I see the neurologist on Monday and go from there.

In the meantime I am just trying to go forward. I feel like a basketcase. It actually occurred to me earlier that I could ACTUALLY have a nervous breakdown. Then decided that I wasn't allowed because I had to be at the hospital every day to take care of Robbie. But that's pretty much the only thing that kept me from completely falling apart today.

And I cried a lot anyway.

Which, of course, gave me a headache. On the right side of my head. My head has a lot of explaining to do.

The "good" part is that I seem to be slowly sliding into angry. Angry is better. I'm funny when I'm angry. I make jokes. They make me laugh and that keeps me from going crazy. It'll kick in good soon. I hope.

The rest of the week is going to be hectic & emotionally draining. We still have to hear about Robbie's tests tomorrow. Then Thursday is David's urology appointment and obviously, my MRI.

So, you know.. pray. Light a candle. Meditate. Sacrifice a goat. Whatever it is you do.



Mrs. Spit said...

I will pray. I wil email my favourite priest in San Francisco and ask him to light the whole damn madonna altar on fire. Unfortunately, I'm short on goats, but let me know, I bet I can get my hands on one, if that will help the whole situation.

Bad things come in three's, in my experience. This is your three. You are done. For several years.

I'm going to find a goat now.

Take care, and remember, I pray every time I think of you. Which is a lot.

Osh said...

The hot-older-guy thing is called OMW over in my parts...what is OMW you ask?

Why it is Old Man Weiner!

I bet you laughed.

Look around at all the yummy OMW!

Amy said...

Dr. C. does sound fabulous. I am SO glad he's there taking care of Robbie, at least part of the time. And as for your mysterious head mass/cyst/growth thing, I have to admit that right now I'm with David in the land of denial: "It can't possibly be anything serious! Not my Trishie. Not now." But of course I can understand the feelings going on when you're the one with it happening, so I am praying fervently for you and your boys. I love you.

Jenni said...

Trish - please e mail me at jtlmetzger@yahoo.com.

Just a little background information... I had my wonderful son 3 years ago. Just after having him (I had a c section and ended up with a spinal headache - the WORST pain I've ever had), I had all these weird neurological things going on. I had several MRI's and, like you, worried non stop that I was going to leave my son without a mom. It was a very hard time for my family for about 6 months, unfortunately they were the first 6 months of his life. I was finally diagnosed with MS, and I had one lesion on my brain.

I just want to tell you that no matter what happens, what they find out, you can get through it. It's scary, but try to take a moment at a time, and don't let yourself go places you don't need to... you are not going to leave Robbie alone... take it a step at a time. I'll pray for you, and I'll be thinking of you. There is hope.

Jennifer said...

I came across a link to your blog somewhere and have been a silent reader (until now). I want to wish you and your family all the best. I am also in the "It's got to be nothing" camp.

I had severe pre-e (which was discovered after full-term delivery) and HELLP Syndrome. For various reason, I was sent for an MRI while I was still in the hospital. They were looking for bleeding on the brain. I know it's not the same situation, but I was beyond freaked out about it. The Chief of Neurology paid me multiple visits in the hospital. But, in the end, it turned out to be nothing!

Is it possible that the headaches are related to high blood pressure? It took my BP a while to get back to normal and I was on BP drugs for nearly 6 weeks.

Best of luck!

wanttobeamom said...

I'm praying! I know you feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but given all the circumstances you seem to be holding it together pretty well. You are functioning, which is actually asking a lot from you at this point. Maybe anger is a good stage for you to enter. I always get really energetic for a while if I can make it to the anger stage. Mainly, I'm trying to say YOU CAN DEAL WITH THIS, whatever "this" turns out to be. If I can do anything more than pray, please let me know!

BTW, there's nothing wrong with having a little crush and a hot doctor! A girl's gotta have a little fun, right? ;)

Kristin (kekis) said...

You're doing much better than I would be in the same situation(s). I'll be praying for all of you.

Malloryn said...

You guys are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that the MRI shows nothing serious tomorrow. You're probably wondering just how much more crap you can put on your shoulders. ::hugs::

Heather said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Fertilized said...

I will pray

Anonymous said...

Maybe that's the key -- you can sell your story to the Lifetime network for a million bucks for their movie of the week, and you, David, and Robbie can run off to a tropical island somewhere and spend the rest of your lives in the lap of luxury!

- dr.girlfriend

Anonymous said...

dear trish,

i stumbled across your blog while doing a google search about symptoms 6dpo. I have been reading nonstop all day. Over a year of your life. I have litterally cried, then laughed, then cried some more. Your story, your life, is truly incredible. You have been such a strong woman and mother, I am completely amazed. I do feel as though I am reading something scriped for lifetime. You will be in my prayers. Your story has been incredibly encouraging as I am coming up on a year of TTC, during which time I have miscarried once, easter day @ 8 weeks.

God Bless,

Christopher and Tracy said...

I'm praying, Trish. For you, Robbie, and David. I hope you get a ton of good news tomorrow.

jdd said...

oh hon, I pray for you every night.


I will light a candle this week too.

I love you.

T-Mommy said...

Where there is life, there is hope Trish!...

You are doing a great job already and I am sure you will find reassuring answers for both you and Robbie.

I am pulling for you both