Robbie & me

I don't have much of a Robbie update. The radiologist still hadn't read his head ultrasound as of 7pm tonight. So it'll be tomorrow. Apparently anxious parents don't get priority. I'm sure you can guess my feelings on that matter.

Overall, he had a decent enough day. His O2 needs were about the same. Pretty high except when we Kangarooed.

His weight is listed at 2lb 8oz, but I'm expecting him to lose tonight because he got a dose of Lasix today, which will likely flush a bunch of his fluid.

So far, his trach aspirate is negative. Again- that doesn't mean negative. It means negative for now. But it's a start. Keep your fingers crossed.

Dr. C stopped by to say hi. He isn't Robbie's doctor this week (he's been covering the Level II NICU) but he wanted to see how we were. I wish I could express to you how much I adore the man. I patted his leg tonight and it was all muscley. I've decided he's got that hot-older-guy thing going on. I even confessed to David tonight that I have a huge crush on the man. When I told David that Dr. C was hot, David said "For an old guy, right?"

I compared him to Sean Connery. I don't think that made anything any clearer to David, but he accepted it.

An example of how amazing Dr. C is:

The niece of a friend was a patient of Dr. C's 22 years ago. We were talking last week and when I mentioned Dr. C, she perked up and said that was her niece's doctor. She'd been a less than 2lb preemie back then.

Today, I mentioned to Dr. C that a friend's niece was his patient 22 years ago. He asked her name. I only knew her first name and very scant details. Dr. C remembered her. Said her last name and everything. 22 years later. Thousands of patients later. He still remembered.

Anyway, he was encouraging, as always. He pulled Robbie's chart and went through it.

I told him about my brain "growth." He was stunned.

Everyone is stunned, really.

After I posted this morning, my dad called. I told him what was going on. He came to take me to lunch and the hospital. (He's on vacation this week.)

When I got to the hospital 2 nurses I like a lot and my favorite respiratory therapist were talking. I told them the news. They recommended heavy drinking. Then hugged me.

I feel like my life is a really, really bad TV movie. My dad said that it sure did. The plot has certainly taken a turn towards the unbelievable.

I said maybe I should write to Extreme Home Makeover. Except we don't need a bigger house. But still. It's THAT kind of story.

I wish I knew what to say about how I feel. I feel speechless, but thoughts are racing. I've been somewhere between "it has to be nothing" and "please don't let me die" all day.

My biggest fear is leaving Robbie without a mom. Followed closely after that is leaving David without a wife.

Of course, there are lots of other things in there, too, but those are the biggies. David pretty much says I can't die and refuses to entertain the idea. He's probably the king of denial, but he has a point.

We don't know anything yet. So we wait and see.

My MRI is scheduled for Thursday at 5:45 pm. I'm not even going to get into how many phone calls it took me to get that scheduled, but suffice is to say that the scheduling department at the hospital can eat a dick. But it's finally scheduled.

Now we just wait until I see the neurologist on Monday and go from there.

In the meantime I am just trying to go forward. I feel like a basketcase. It actually occurred to me earlier that I could ACTUALLY have a nervous breakdown. Then decided that I wasn't allowed because I had to be at the hospital every day to take care of Robbie. But that's pretty much the only thing that kept me from completely falling apart today.

And I cried a lot anyway.

Which, of course, gave me a headache. On the right side of my head. My head has a lot of explaining to do.

The "good" part is that I seem to be slowly sliding into angry. Angry is better. I'm funny when I'm angry. I make jokes. They make me laugh and that keeps me from going crazy. It'll kick in good soon. I hope.

The rest of the week is going to be hectic & emotionally draining. We still have to hear about Robbie's tests tomorrow. Then Thursday is David's urology appointment and obviously, my MRI.

So, you know.. pray. Light a candle. Meditate. Sacrifice a goat. Whatever it is you do.

--Trish